Fun with HGTV

Due to some weird fluke, suddenly we have full cable, even though we are only paying for basic cable. Of course this means we are watching copious amounts of HGTV, because when you are a couple of homebodies who are always gardening, that is what you watch.

It’s starting to get a bit repetitive, though. Take the show House Hunters (and House Hunters International). Looking for an HGTV-based drinking game? Simply sit down to an episode of House Hunters/House Hunters International, and take a sip any time any of the following happens (WARNING: Watching too many episodes of House Hunters can make you start to hate people.):

-One of the house hunters says “It’s a little small.” This will happen at LEAST once per episode, guaranteed. This can be directed at any room of the house or the back yard or the front yard or the deck or the garage. It is the most liberally-used phrase on the show.

-Someone checks out a comfortable part of the house (think: back yard, or poolside area, or giant “garden”* tub) and joshes, “Honey, I can just see myself relaxing here and you bringing me a nice cold drink.” And then the other person acts all faux put-out and says, “Yeah right!” It's pretty dumb.

-A house hunter talks about needing a bigger bathroom with a large “garden” tub. (I still haven’t figured out what they plan on using such a roomy bathroom for—-Contact sports? Tango lessons? Grits wrestling? I myself would assume that large bathrooms are cold and drafty, but I maybe I have just never known the joy of running a few laps around the garden tub after a nice long bath wherein my partner brings me beverages.)

-A house hunter waves his/her hand disparagingly at a seemingly inoffensive part of the house and declares it “unlivable.” Often, this is directed at counter tops for having committed the heinous offense of NOT BEING GRANITE.

-Spouses will squabble about closet space and how it may or may not be enough for the woman’s clothes and how all her shoes will never fit. You know, because women love shopping and shoes! The men usually faux-sulk about getting 5% of the closet space. Alternatively, the female house hunter will point to a closet and say, "Well honey, this is mine, where are you going to put your clothes?" and the male house hunter acts like that's funny even though he is clearly dying inside.

-A house hunter will be way too impressed with a boring-looking kitchen cabinet door.

-A house hunter will be FILLED WITH RAGE by the look of a normal-looking kitchen cabinet door and declare that the cabinets would have to immediately be replaced.

-A couple is looking for a house in Phoenix, Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona is really doing its part to keep House Hunters on the air. Also, Phoenix, Arizona looks extremely hot and dry and every house has a pool.

-Someone rubs a granite counter top appreciatively. A close-up of their hand rubbing the counter top usually accompanies.

-A house hunter makes either a disparaging or admiring remark about the décor and/or furniture of the house, which (with the exception of the vacation homes) won’t even come with the house anyway.

-Someone gets in the bathtub, either to illustrate its vastness or its piddling size. In the former case, they may use the “bring me a cold drink” joke. In the latter, they will pretend that they simply cannot fit or get comfortable, even though the tub is a standard size, and the house hunter is also a standard size.

-The house hunters will act all amazed at a view out a window, even though it's really only a view of the normal-looking back yard. Or maybe even the street.

-Someone says the word “upgrade.”

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*Why are these tubs called “garden” tubs? Is it because they are big enough to plant your entire vegetable garden for the summer?